< Ramblings of a Rose

"Anne was a rare phenomenon, a self made woman. But then, this became her demise. The machinations of court were an absolute minefield for women. And she was a challenging personality, who wouldn’t be quiet and shut up when she had something to say."

- Natalie Dormer, quoted by Susan Bordo in ‘The creation of Anne Boleyn’.




The problem with coming out for me is that it could ruin everything that I have. My family is super religious and I like my religion and while I know that the official church policy on being gay and stuff isn’t totally negative, I know that the members of the church are not that positive about it. 

I hold several leadership positions at church that I love doing. Positions that I am quite sure would be taken away as soon as I came out. Friends that I would lose.

We’re not even going to talk about people at school

My parents are super religious as well. My mom would probably just deal with it but I always have this fear that my dad will kick me out if he finds out. And then I’ll have nowhere to go. Right now I need them to help me pay for college apps and help me with college and getting out there. 

I don’t know if I could handle losing their respect and trust.

I want to come out. I want to do it so badly that it hurts. Every day I experience countless times where I just want to scream it from the hilltops. I need to be allowed to be myself.

But I’m so afraid that I want to cry

If you’re worried that your dad might legitimately kick you out i say it’s not worth the risk. You wouldn’t be able to pay to go to college. That’s why Amber isn’t away at school right now, because her parents decided not to help her. I say it’s not worth the risk man.

I just hate this feeling that I get every day of my life. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like I’m lying to everyone around me. I feel so trapped right now. I need to be myself and actually be able to make choices for myself but I’m just terrified. 

I don’t know what to do. I know that I probably won’t do it but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

So, ironically enough, this is along a similar vein of what I was thinking of today myself, but mostly I just really wanted to offer any support that I can. 

I lucked out a lot since my mom is mostly understanding of my sexuality, although I don’t think she quite understands it. On the other hand, my parents are divorced so my dad doesn’t know that I’m anything other than straight or that I had a girlfriend for a good chunk of my college years.

I found that college was really helpful for me, though, in terms of learning what my sexuality was (and no my gender binary too) and how to express it amongst people I felt comfortable around. So my advice might be to wait for college unless this all truly becomes too much because, most of all, I really want you to be able to be safe (or you could line up a good place to stay for awhile if you do want to come out and something bad happens?).

Otherwise, if you ever need it I swear my ask is always open for these kind of things, even if you just need to get stuff off your chest :)

Did you see the sparks filled with hope? You are not alone ‘cause someone’s out there, sending out flares.



Me: I"m going to study!
Depression: No you're not
Me: But I-
Depression: Nope. You're going to sit here, stare at the page, be unable to focus, feel bad about it. Then you're going to get a shitty grade and feel worse
Me: ...
Depression: But go ahead and try. Normal people can do it. You're supposed to be good at this subject. But whoops you're not. Surprise. Surprise.
Me: ...I know I'm good at this. I know..
Depression: Oh yeah? Explain that grade then. Explain that assignment.
Me: ...
Depression: Way to go. how much money did you waste on that textbook, huh? How much government money went to your classes? You said you wouldn't fail any. You even said you would get A's this semester. That's such a longshot, you can't do that. You're a bad student, remember?
Me: I won't fail. I won't...
Depression: And you're not going to be able to sleep either. You haven't been sleeping more than 5 hours for over two months anyways. You should be used to being tired. So stay up and try to study. And breakfast? That thing you keep trying to get yourself to eat? Forget it. You haven't been able to eat properly either. You're appetite has always been bad. But you can't run on coffee forever. You keep saying that you can take care of yourself but you fucking can't. And you're too cowardly to ask for help aren't you? oh but you keep saying you don't need help! Do you? Are you being over dramatic? Is it even depression? And if it is who can you go to? No one understand how fucked up your head can get, and you don't want them to either. Then they would know how pathetic you are. Or are you just a lazy piece of shit that's not half as smart as you think you are?
Me: ...
Depression: But go ahead. Try to study.

No net ensnares me

There’s going to be a ficlet giveaway going up when I get home so be ready with your prompts, folks!


Or any suggestions about how I can make this giveaway more special then the others. Come at me, bro loves!